s g k drama 1.3

for the last 9 days or so, i have off and on been craving nachos. i’m talking THE WORKS: cheese, meat, beans, tomatoes, onions, jalapenos, sour cream, more cheese, salsa, guac, more guac, did i say more cheese? over tortilla chips.

I WANTS IT!

but only off and on.

in the meantime, my food consumption has remained at a steady… oh, i’d say about 60%-70% my normal intake, if not less…

eating is just not pleasurable when one can’t help but remember how it can all come back UP again.

yuck.

but i still crave nachos. sometimes.

i’ve also decided that questions of ultimate significance just wear me out these days. they once piqued my curiosity, at least somewhat. where do we come from? where are we going? is there a god? what is the meaning of life?

aaaaah! i don’t care! i want to go be frivolous and hedonistic or something.

on an unrelated note… i was thinking today of how i don’t think ministry is really my vocation. well, in the most oft understood senses of the term at least… i suppose “ministry” can be massaged to mean almost anything nowadays. but i don’t think traditional notions of ministry really jibe with me.

for example, as my kids will amusedly remind you, “linda doesn’t like people.” obviously, i don’t completely dislike people. there are some people i like very much. but i’m certainly not one of those gregarious souls who can reach out and touch anyone that comes their way. in fact, i almost never reach out at all. i am cordial to most people i encounter, but i don’t really go out of my way to encounter them. shouldn’t ministers at least like people and not just an exclusive set of people?

also, i can’t lead people in prayer, to prayer, with prayer, for prayer… whatevers. prayer. i can’t do it with people. i don’t know why. whenever i try or am in a position to “lead prayer” i always feel totally and utterly FAKE. FRAUD. same with “meditations.” there’s always a part of me thinking, “what the heck are you doing??” it is very strange because i do think prayer is important and a very good thing. i pray myself and am quite ably led in prayer. but i cannot lead prayer myself.

this is why i’ve never had a problem with not being able to preside just because i’m a woman and the whole women’s ordination thing (at least on a personal level). i can’t preside at liturgy? NO PROBLEM! i’d feel like someone ripped my skin off if i had to do such a thing anyway.

so what am i doing in my current job?

who knows. i guess i’m paying back with my time and effort and presence and knowledge and skills the 신세 that i 지어 to this community that supported me and my family while i was at jstb. i am also trying to use the mdiv degree “as it was intended,” at least according to jstb’s intentions of training lay ministers even though i don’t really self-identify as such. i am doing something at least, while trying to figure out what i want to do next… an active sort of contemplation.

and i’m gap-filling. because i like to fill gaps if i can. and there is a gap in the youth ministry. so i fill a little part of it for now… until the REAL youth minister can be found.

and i think a part of me is trying to absorb some of fr. mark’s “wisdom” before he might depart raphael… because among all the crazy (he calls himself “normal” while the rest of us are all “crazy”) people i know, he is the craziest and i don’t know when else i’m going to get a chance to work with a crazy like him.

so yes, i am spending the remaining “best years of my life” rotting in a windowless office and answering the phone because it gives me more opportunities to hear about what is real outside of the cave and not just an illusion projected on the wall.

no wonder all the kids don’t make much sense of me. i don’t make any sense! hahahaha. i sound like i’m on crack.

crack crack crack crack crack.

but what i really want is not crack but nachos. seriously. nachos. i don’t care if it’s an illusion. it’s DELICIOUS.

it is still yucky outside.

i think fires are scarier than earthquakes. earthquakes tend to end on their own after a decent amount of time, even with aftershocks. earthquakes also do not rain down ash and make us breathe nastiness for days, possibly weeks.

tomorrow i finally have a day off. a REAL day off. i don’t have any work seepage. i don’t have any social engagements. i don’t have anything i want to do in particular. i don’t have any family obligations. i have NOTHING.

i am so excited.

i might just stay in bed all day. i don’t even have a car until the evening and walking in this horrific air is not an option so i can’t even go anywhere.

i don’t know when i’m going to have a day like this again so i will relish this while i can.

relishing…

GENE!

except i can’t call him that in front of fr. mark anymore or else fr. will pound me on the head (like he doesn’t already hahaha).

today, the entire kim family crew (yes, even the riot and dad) piled into the car and trekked to camarillo for gene’s ordination to the diaconate.

ours was one of the first cars in that parking lot. yes. i am THAT anal. i think we got there a few moments before gene himself got there. hahaha. but that landed us VIP seats right next to all the action! actually, my parents got the sweet seats, but my sisters and i were right next to them so it was all good.

it certainly was a strange shaped church… but i’m not going to bother to go into the architectural details. i’ll probably never traverse the aisles of that church again anyway. (unless auggie gets ordained there too…)

the most reverend richard garcia presided over a pleasantly put together liturgy… not too frilly, but not bare bones… traditional but not ancient… respectfully multilingual but not overdoing the airing of cultural diversity business. we were out of there in just after 2 hours… for an ordination mass, i approve.

and then everyone spilled out into the courtyard… where gene had a looooong line of koreans waiting to greet him hahahaha. sooo korean.

fr. mark is so happy in this picture. hahaha. my favorite part of the ordination was when fr. alex and fr. mark were vesting gene and they got it all backwards. hahahahaha

there was crazy korean representation at the ordination. i think like half of raphael was there. pretty much anyone who is anyone at raphael was there. and then all these other people who are a part of gene’s world… but somehow also a part of mine because the so cal korean catholic world is incestuously connected with negative degrees of separation… haha. it was a fun reunion of sorts.

anyway, we got there in 70 minutes, but it took us a couple hours to get back… because of the FIRES! even in the OC! scary. our entire neighborhood is covered in black burnt stuff. not the white ash stuff, but the black bits of burnt material stuff… crazy! and it’s smoky and smellllls outside.

we had left the windows open in the kitchen… black and white little particulates everywhere! yuck. good thing the whole family was there for cleanup when we got back.

crazy times in the OC i hope they extinguish those fires soon… and the winds die down so it’ll stop spreading. kinda feels like the end times out there or something.

but tomorrow, we celebrate and congratulate our newly ordained deacon! woohoo!