and you thought i would stop whining to the internet world…
actually, i don’t think anyone reads this regularly anymore. certainly after the last post, i doubt anyone will.
HOWEVER! as is my nature, i have more whining to do. and whining does not fit into my other blogs. and i’m pretty sure fr. mark, my parents, and my sisters are sick of hearing my whining.
so here goes nothing.
basically, i’m tired of hearing people’s excuses. and i’m tired of being put in this role of enforcer of rules or disciplinarian. I AM SOOOOO SICK OF IT.
some expectation is set. someone can’t meet it, so they give me an excuse. OR they have something better to do than to meet that expectation or carry through on their responsibility. either way, i have to hear that they’re not going to be there and why not. or i have to deal with it or explain it away somehow to the other people who are fulfilling their responsibilities.
at some fundamental level, I REALLY DON’T CARE. which is why, perhaps, i’m so tired of hearing people’s excuses. i almost want to say, “why are you telling me this?” do i look like i care?
it almost feels like people do things at church FOR MY SAKE, and so feel compelled to report to me when they aren’t going to carry through.
a very fr.-mark-esque, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
i don’t care. they can all go to hell for all i care. if youth ministry events fail, i don’t lose. if world youth day prep ends up flopping, i don’t lose. if people don’t show up on time when they’re serving at mass, i don’t lose. i mean, i lose, but mostly the community loses, and really, i win… because i’d probably get fired and then i’d be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE from this my prison.
it has crossed my mind that perhaps i am envious. certainly a part of me wishes i could be as lackadaisical as the rest of ‘em… or at least a part of me wishes i too can pick and choose what i will follow through on and what i will just let slide so i can go have some fun.
Lord, I WANT A VACATION AT LEAST.
but no. i am here. i have committed and so feel compelled to give at least 100% of my body even if much of my heart is bitter and annoyed and FRUSTRATED. (ok, i realize i should be giving 100% of my heart too… sigh… i’m trying, but i’m having a REALLY HARD TIME with that one…)
it makes me realize… how undeserving we all are. including myself.
sometimes non-Christians or liberals or whoever ask conservative Christians or blah blah blah in an accusing fashion, “do you think [insert target group here] will go to hell?”
i don’t know the answer to that question, although i hope the answer is “no.” but on a slightly different, but related note, i think i believe that we all deserve to go to hell… but won’t (at least not alllll of us).
isn’t that what grace is all about? it wouldn’t be such a free and gratuitous gift if it were deserved.
i can only imagine how ridiculous it might seem to an Almighty God when he offers his peon creation (even if it is in his own image) his ultimate paradise and beatitude and receives the response of… “oh, i can’t make it this time, but i’ll make up for it somehow.” or perhaps, “oh i need a break from you, so let me go play with my friends this weekend and i’ll be back for the next thing.”
hahahaha. that is what i do… perhaps every day. maybe every moment. ahahahahahaha
and that is why fr. mark calls me insane. only an insane person would refuse her own ultimate paradise and beatitude.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
but anyway. i’m not even enforcing rules or disciplining on behalf of ultimate paradise and/or beatitude. so it only makes sense that people are making all sorts of excuses to me. if we do it to God with much bigger things, of course we would do it to the puny things we offer each other.
sigh.
vanity of vanities. ALL THINGS ARE VANITY!
i hate life. i am so bitter to God sometimes. unfairly so. but then, if i really think about it, i am also comforted… because… the way it is… makes me FREE. and i realize that for just a moment.
and then, the moment is gone. 